I Need Something More
by JooseBoxx
Summary: It starts with a 'Round Robin' of truth and snowballs. Puck isn't sure when his life turned into an episode of Sweet Valley High. Mentions of child abuse of a sexual nature. Anonymous prompt response.


**Disclaimer: **Not mine. No money. No affiliation.

It's the most stupid thing he's ever heard. Seriously, how the fuck do they get on to this stuff?

For one thing that whole 'let's bond as a group' shit? Totally lame. Hanging out in Hummel's fucking basement pad? Totally lame. Listening to the girls gush about 'relationships'? He's about five seconds away from checking for a vagina. _Seriously_.

What really sucks is that he can't even leave. Because he came with Artie and Brittany -because his truck is the only car that can take Artie and his chair while Mr Abrams is working, so he's Artie's ride and it's a dick move to bail on the guy while he's chilling with his girl. Fucking annoying. So they're all in Hummel's basement, and Mr H. hadn't been too keen on the idea, but Kurt did his whole 'we're being friends' or whatever and Puck totally had to take the furniture off the fucking roof -did they understand the work that went into that? Fucking pussies.

And yeah, at first it had been fine. Shooting the breeze and just chilling -they'd even gotten Berry to calm the fuck down. But then out came the cosmos and Mercedes and Kurt got their girl-fest on and Puck knows for sure this is going to suck. For him.

"Okay; who did you lose your virginity to and how?" Round robins. Seriously, they are playing some stupid game that doesn't involve drink and they have to tell the truth? What the ever loving fuck?

Kurt asks the question, so that he doesn't have to answer it -not that he has anyone to say he lost it to because Puck knows the kid is still a V-card holder, even if he is off at that fancy school of his now. "Puck," Santana has no shame though, "we were fifteen, gym room in middle school. It was awesome." She winks over at him and he just raises his eyebrow, because everyone knew that they'd done that -it happened _at school_ for fuck sake.

"Mine too. Although not at the same time. That was later, we were at my house." Brittany sort of grinned and this was what Puck wasn't looking forward to, because Artie gave him a weird look before shrugging.

"Brittany took mine, before the duets competition, at her house."

"Mike took mine, last month after a really awesome date." Tina had this blush on her cheeks while most of the girls made noises at her and Artie and Mike high fived.

"Um, Brittany took mine though, in Freshman year at a party after a football game." Not surprising, Britt and Mike actually dated for a while, most guys before that just had sex with Britt and she forgot their names.

"Puck and everyone knows how." Quinn didn't look up from her knees, picking at some piece of lint on her skirt that only she could see and everyone went quiet, Sam watching Quinn carefully until Finn cleared his throat.

"Santana took mine at a motel." He gave Rachel an apologetic look, Rachel also staring at her knees and yeah, Puck was pretty sure he could feel the tension building.

"I ah, I lost mine to Puck too." Mercedes' admission -although not surprising to him- shocked most people. Kurt not included and Puck knew that Kurt would know like an hour after it happened. "When we 'dated' last year, you know, stuff happened at my house." Yeah, cause while it was all for show or whatever, 'Cedes had decided to make the most of it and Puck didn't turn down sex; she'd wanted to lose it, wanted to at least _trust _who she lost it to and Puck knew how to make sure she enjoyed it. Win/win situation for all. Quinn looked up at him sharply, then to Mercedes and back again at Puck. He wasn't saying a fucking word, because fuck if they deserved an explanation.

"Whose turn?"

"I lost mine to my last girlfriend, before I moved here." Sam just shrugged, which left just Puck and Rachel.

"Noah." Finn's face fell. Shit. "After new year," because Puck was not sleeping with another of Finn's girls, but at the time, Rachel hadn't been Finn's girl. "JCC mixer, Jacob being creepy. Things happened." _Things happened_ meant that Rachel had been pretty grateful that Puck had almost broken that creep Jewfro's hand after he dared to grab a feel of Berry's ass right there at the mixer. _Things happened_ meant that Rachel had ditched the afternoon at the Temple with him to drive out to the mall and hang around. _Things happened_ meant that Rachel was still upset about Finn and Santana and feeling vindictive enough at the time to decide that if Finn didn't keep his virginity for her, she wasn't keeping hers for him. _Things happened_ meant him and her in his room, with neither of them stopping when things progressed to where, really, they always seemed to be heading when they were together.

So yeah, he'd fucked her just because she was getting back at Finn, but Puck had enough decency to at least take her home and fuck her in a bed rather than the cab of his truck. Puck doubted Finn would care.

"_Seriously?_" See, stupid game. With the exception of Tina, he'd taken the V-card of every girl in glee. And probably most of the rest of the school if he's honest. "What happened to 'I'll stay away from her' and that crap?"

"Um, we had sex before I said that."

"You told him you'd stay away from me?" Oh, here we go. See, him and Rachel, not the bestest buddies or whatever, but totally not hating on each other anymore. And yeah, he felt a little like shit when she asked him to hang out once or twice and he'd said no or made an excuse because Finn had made him make that promise or whatever. And then Finn was still all mad at her and shit. It was stupid. "You asked Noah to stay away from me?"

It was going to descend into another babygate, he could just sort of tell.

"Okay, enough. No one cheated on anyone, so just can the drama." Mercedes hedges things off though. "Puck, you're the last to go." Until then.

"Please, that was all mine." Santana is way too smug, like she's got some claim, and Puck thinks it's another one of those things between Rachel and Santana -like she had him first as well as Finn. It's the way she shoots this look at Rachel, totally smug and as if she's won something. He knows how much of a bitch Santana can be, and he knows that Rachel doesn't understand why, suddenly, Santana has this all out vendetta against her and Puck thinks that might be what spurns him on.

"No, it wasn't." He slept with Santana when he was fifteen, she wanted to snag a bad-boy, he wanted to get laid. Simple as. It wasn't life altering or anything but by that point he'd already figured out that it wasn't just in and out, and frankly, he wished he sort of hadn't -fumbling around on the first time was supposed to be how it went, right? But Santana is gawking at him like he just slapped her, and everyone else is staring and shit now he needs to follow that up, doesn't he? "That went to Mrs Lawson. My Ma's best friend. When I was ten."

Just saying it out loud makes his skin fucking crawl and right then, he doesn't give a shit about bailing. He gives the keys of his truck to Mike -which is a big fucking deal because Mike always crunches the gears- and just walks the fuck out.

Stupidest game ever.

#

He walks home from Hummel's house. He ignores his phone; which rings six times and beeps with seventeen messages. There are many things that he doesn't talk about; his Dad, how hard he tries not to disappoint his Ma and how much it sucks when he inevitably does, how hard it was to give up Beth, how much he sort of hates Quinn for forcing him to do it, how he does actually regret fucking up his friendship with Finn, how he kind of doesn't hate Rachel. The biggest thing though would probably be how he was sort of sexually abused as a child by his mother's best friend and never told anyone because Mrs Lawson told him he'd be taken away from his mom and so would Sarah. His Dad hadn't long walked out on them back then. He wasn't about to risk losing his mom too.

So yeah, issues by the bucket load when he reached thirteen and it turned out he was 'too old' for her or some shit and he figured out that every word out of her mouth was utter bullshit.

"You're home early." His Ma and Sarah are sitting on the couch, watching some stupid Pixar movie. It's Friday night, he's home at nine. Yeah, that's early as hell.

"Not feeling so great." He sits on the arm of the couch to watch the cars race around the track or whatever and realises that Sarah's still in her 'I want to be a drag racer' phase. "'m gonna go to bed, kay." He'd usually force Sarah to shuffle up, sprawl out on the couch with her and tickle her a couple times through the movie just to piss her off. But he really can't deal with playing big brother right then.

"You want some Tylenol?" His Ma's cure for everything.

"Nah, just need some sleep." He ruffles Sarah's hair, pissing her off that way and kisses his Ma's cheek before thumping up the stairs and slamming his door before throwing himself onto his bed. He sort of wishes he hadn't left Chang with his ride, because now he can't even go out of town, score some booze and drown himself in alcohol at the local park.

It meant he really had nothing better to do that look at his phone. Three voicemails, three missed calls and those seventeen messages. They were persistent, he'd give them that.

_Satan: wtf? where r u pussy?_

_Aretha: boy come back, we just wanna talk._

_Berry: Are you all right Noah? I'm sorry; I didn't mean to cause problems._

_Finn: dud cm back nd we cn srt it._

_Satan: answer ur fuckin phne!_

_Q: You're being immature._

_Carly: Hey stud ;) Wht'r u up 2 this weekend? Hook up?_

_Hummel: At the risk of joining the barrage you're currently facing, will you just let us know where you are?_

_Chang: I can't drive your truck. What the hell man?_

_Chang: btw, thanks for not screwing my girl. Text or something bro._

_Berry: Please Noah, answer your phone. We're worried._

_Satan: I will come over there and beat your ass!_

_Evans: Quinn and Rachel are on their way to your house. Need a place to bail?_

_Berry: Noah, are you home?_

_Schue: Noah, what's going on? Why is Quinn crying down the phone?_

_Evans: ETA on your place, 10 mins. Finn's driving._

_Berry: Noah, you're scaring me. Please answer?_

He doesn't bother texting, just grabbing his jacket and thumping down the stairs again. "Going to Sam's place Ma," and he heads out the back door and goes over the fence into Mr Grady's back yard and cutting across the street next to his before he punches in Sam's number. Evans' answers on the second ring.

"You okay?"

"Whatever, your kid siblings around?" Sarah and Stacey are like friends or whatever, and Stevie just hangs out with them cause he's attached to his sister or something, so Puck sort of knows those kids -they're alright, y'know, for kids. And Sam's kinda cool too. Even if he's all on board the Quinn Fabray crazy train, which is just a little tamer than the Rachel Berry crazy train.

"No, they're at a sleep over or whatever, just come by. Mom and Dad are out too." So he heads over to Sam's place, and he knows that Sam's place isn't exactly what Sam wants Puck to trail through again -motel rooms are not homes, but since Puck was completely obliterated on cheap vodka and cheaper weed, Sam had to let him sleep it off in the motel room until he was sober enough to remember his own name.

Sam's pretty decent that way.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Do I look like I want to talk about it?" The truth is, he didn't need to tell them. He doesn't even know why he did. Even if Santana was being all smug bitch about supposedly being his first -and she wasn't, by at least seven women (not girls, women) he still didn't need to do that honesty bullshit. He could've just said he'd been 'cleaning pools' since he was thirteen and that was long before he got under Santana's skirt, and left it at that. He knew that married women paying a thirteen year old for sex wasn't kosher at all, hell, married women paying a sixteen year old for sex was still just as bad, but Puck was a messed up piece of shit so he never even thought about it.

Four hours after arriving at Sam's motel room, Sam's parents came back and Puck bailed, giving Sam a small nod and a fist bump. He texted the 'thanks' from three blocks over. His Ma and sister were in bed when he finally got back home. There was a note on the kitchen table that Finn, Quinn and Rachel stopped by but didn't leave a message. Puck just tosses the note in the bin.

He listens to the voicemail messages after he's lying in bed. He'd gotten another ten text messages and three more calls at Sam's. Even Sam ended up getting a few calls and messages. The first one is San.

"Seriously? Are you just- God what is wrong with you? Get the fuck back here, Puckerman. We gots things to talk about." At least she's to the point.

"Um, it's rung out." "_Leave a message!_" It's Kurt's voice in the background and Puck just snorts as Finn leaves the message. "Um, we're just y'know like wondering where you've gone and if you're okay and why you gave Mike your keys." "_Forget the keys! Those are not important. Get him to call!_" "He's not gonna call me! Get Rachel to do it." Finn is cut off by Mercedes. "You, get your ass back here, or call and tell us where you are. Don't make me sic my Mom on you." Mrs Jones was only marginally more worrying than his own mother some times.

"Noah," from the echo, Rachel is in the bathroom, "I understand that you're upset, and that what you told us is a very big thing. You're probably confused about it all. I'm not sure I could offer anything to make you feel any better. I'll listen though, if you want to talk." She pauses for a moment and Puck can hear the background noise of the club arguing. "They're talking about going to your house. You can go to mine, if you want. My window isn't locked. Just, be careful? I'm sorry about saying that to Finn. I know I was the one who didn't want him to know and I'm just sorry that I might've rui-" The message cuts off because she's run over the time and Puck sighs, staring at the ceiling.

He knew at the time, when they were in his room, on this bed, kissing, and he'd slid his hand up her thigh and she hadn't pushed it away, he knew for a fact that she'd regret it all and hate his guts and probably tell Finn and then Finn would just hate him all over again and whatever. But he'd never been all that good at self-restraint, and Rachel was hot; legs to forever, toned ass, perfect little tits. She talked a lot sure, but fuck she could kiss and he totally loved that little bite thing she did. She was a whole lot of crazy in this tight little package and all her crazy just leaked out. He really did like that about her.

But she was like _Finn's_ or some shit, always and forever and all that stuff. She loved him and he loved her and Puck wasn't sure if it was this need to destroy anything good that other people might have or if he genuinely hated Finn on some cellular level and subconsciously had to taint anything Finn wanted. It was a lot of self-discovery to do at this time of night.

His phone starts ringing in his hand, and it's the caller ID that makes him answer. "H'lo."

"Puck," he finds it a little weird that Schue is the only teacher who calls him Puck; everyone else it's Puckerman or Mr Puckerman. Miss P calls him Noah; some of the hot female teachers call him Noah too. And of course Rachel, but that shit is mostly because she's called him that since they were three and went to Temple together. "Is everything all right?"

"Not really." See, he's not all for Schue getting all up in his business. Sometimes he feels like Schue forgets that he's a teacher and not their friend and has to butt the fuck out. But other times, it's kinda nice that he cares so damn much because no one else does.

"Do you need me to come get you?" Puck figures that's Mr Schue's way of asking if he's blind stinking drunk.

"'m at home, it's cool." He's pretty sure that he drunk dialled everyone in his phone book the last time he got drunk, he's not sure why Mr Schue is even in his phone book, but whatever. Schue had offered to pick him up that time too (that was after Puck had rambled for fifteen minutes about why he never really saw the point in Spanish, except maybe he'd look at going to California at some point because it was a good place for music and stuff and there were Spanish people there or something right?), before Sam came and dragged him to the motel and whatever. "Jus' some bullshit with the club, it'll blow over."

"Puck," that's the 'I understand that you're young and make mistakes, but I'm a little disappointed in your choices right now' tone that Puck's completely used to from all adults by this point.

"No, really, it's cool. San was a bitch and Finn'll probably just punch me and shit'll be awkward for like a week and then it'll all go back to being fine. San'll come off the rag and Finn will just ignore me again so it'll be the same as it's been for the last year." And he's not some little pussy who needs his BFF or whatever, so he's fine with it. Finn can get his one punch -and this time that's all he's getting because Rachel wasn't his so that shit isn't flying, not this time.

Mr Schue sighs on the other end and Puck really doesn't want to hear about how he should control these impulses and think more of himself than just sleeping around, that he should consider the feelings of his friends before he acts, blah, blah, blah. "So it's late and I'm taking my sister to baseball practice in the morning, so I have to go. Thanks for checking up, Schue." He hangs up before Schue can say anything, switches the phone to silent and puts it on his bedside table to ignore it again.

Eventually, he's going to stop his mouth getting him into stupid situations.

#

Mrs Lawson was a widower or whatever. Her old man died like Mrs H's had and Puck's Ma had volunteered little Noah to help Mrs Lawson with some of her housework crap. Noah cut the grass and cleaned out her pool and shoved a whole lot of useless old junk up in the attic. That was just what it was for a few weeks. Mowing the lawn, cleaning up the pool, nothing else. Only Mrs Lawson was a little handsy; she rubbed his shoulders and pressed against his back and petted his hair and hugged him a lot. It got a little weird.

And then she got really weird.

But he never told anyone. She kept it up for three years and he always sort of knew it was wrong but he never told anyone. Even when Mrs Lawson introduced him to a few of her 'friends'. It was just something he never planned on telling anyone.

And he doesn't really know why he did. Or why it was Berry he sort of did it for. Just to shut San up (and wasn't he supposed to stick up for San more than Berry or something?) and stop the whole bullshit competition that Santana seemed to be waging against Rachel and Quinn. He also doesn't know why, at twenty past three in the morning he picks up his phone and calls her.

He knows he's woken her up by the sound of her voice, but she still answers the phone. "Hey," he really doesn't know why he called her.

"Noah," she doesn't say it like she's annoyed or anything; it's more like she's relieved. "I was worried." He can hear her shuffling around, probably propping her pillow up and stuff. "Are you okay? Where are you?"

"Yeah, 'm at home." There's no point in lying to her. "Sam told me 'bout you guys coming over. I hung at his place for a bit." It wasn't that he was avoiding her; he didn't think so since he called her without really thinking it through. "I didn't want to deal with Finn and Q." He might've stayed if it had just been her.

"I'm so sorry Noah," he really hopes that she's not about to launch into something about childhood trauma.

"Why'd you tell him? I mean, you could've lied. Finn would never know." She'd sort of regretted it; he knew that in the morning when she'd not been there and he surprised himself with wishing she'd stayed.

"I couldn't. I know that our reasons weren't exactly right, but I wasn't about to deny what we did, Noah." And yeah, he should probably wish that she had been like Quinn with the whole 'don't tell Finn' thing, but she's never really been like everyone else, so why would she start now? "I'm sorry, I know it's going to cause problems, Finn might never speak to us again, but-"

"Yeah he will, he'll forgive you, he'll get over it." He'd probably cut Puck completely out though. Quinn was bad enough, but to follow up with Rachel, well; once is an accident, twice is a pattern for sure. "Probably shouldn't hang out with me though."

"Noah, don't be silly," see they didn't exactly hang all the time, but she was pretty cool to do music stuff with. "Finn can't be mad about us spending time together. We're friends, Noah, aren't we?"

"Yeah, Rach," she totally put way too much stock in their friendship, after he finally said that yeah, okay, they were friends. "But I don't think Finn'll be all that understanding about that now." Because he had sort of promised Finn that he'd stay away from her, no moves, no duets, no crazy Berry time. It had been after he'd already popped her cherry, sure, but he did kind of like doing that shit with her.

"Finn broke up with me, Noah. He doesn't want me; he has no say in who I'm friends with." He wonders how long it'll take for her to change her tune on that one.

Either way, he doesn't notice that they're on the phone until it's nearly six in the morning and his Ma is getting up for her shift at work and he's pretty much took up Rachel's whole night, and they weren't even talking about anything really. "Shit, babe, why didn't you tell me to fuck off?"

"You know I don't mind," her voice is low, and he just rolls her eyes because sometimes she does this whole 'I don't have a lot of friends' thing that totally pisses him off because people don't see how fucking awesome she is. Mostly because she's slightly crazy and far too intense about some shit and that Santana and Quinn kind of fucked all that up from her in pre-school or whatever. "And I think you needed it."

"If you're serious about not caring what Finn thinks," he should probably get this in before they head back to school after the weekend and she gets all love eyes at Hudson and Finn gets all pissed off and squinty death looks at Puck, "you wanna come over for dinner Sunday night? We're watching The Boy in the Stripped Pyjamas." His Ma still can't pick decent movies; why do people keep making super depressing movies about the Holocaust? He gets that it was a huge part of his history or whatever and it was a horrific thing, but damn, some of these movies made him want to drown himself.

Rachel laughs quietly on the other end of the line, "Sure, I'd love to. It's been a while since I cried over a movie."

"Weren't you watching The Way We Were last night?" He knows for a fact that she always cries at that movie, so she can't even deny it.

"Oh hush," but it's totally not said with any kind of irritation, and yeah, he totally does consider her a friend -because she knows shit and he knows shit and that's sort of cool in the whole somewhat innocent just friend's kind of way. Either way, they plan for Sunday night at his house, and hopefully she'll tell the gleeks that she's hanging out with him and that'll stop them blowing up his fucking phone all day and he can just chill before having to go back to school on Monday with all this stupid drama happening. He's starting to hate this weekend a little.

#

There are times when he wonders if this is what caused his behaviour, if Mrs Lawson and that whole _thing_ was what shaped his view on women and sex in general, if he'd be more like Finn if these things never happened to him. Sometimes he doesn't think it matters, because he is who he is and he kind of likes who he his most of the time. Mercedes was sort of on point when she said a few things back whenever, and yeah, talking that shit out with her probably led to having sex with her, but he didn't really like all the things it brought up about himself.

When he actually stops to think, and it's possible that Friday night at Hummel's just further highlighted this point, Puck is pretty sure that he's slept with -and probably popped their cherries too- almost 85% of McKinley's female student body. Most of the remaining 15% are this year's Freshmen, and he's not exactly jonesing for that. Additionally, he knows he's had sex with half of the adult females in Lima; pool cleaning isn't the only thing that seems to front for, what is basically, prostitution. What Mercedes' did was pretty much force him to admit, even to himself, that no, he didn't really like certain aspects of himself, but they'd been pretty solidly ingrained that he had never been able to just shake them.

There were days when he was pretty down with himself; he was moderately popular, played on a winning team, could pretty much get a girl whenever he wanted, had his own ride, had decent friends. He didn't need to be the idiot, he wasn't _just _a dumb jock. He could be something more than the teenage father turned juvenile delinquent, he could actually make something of himself. Other days, he was just the Lima manwhore loser who screwed his best friend's girls, lost his baby girl and got blind stinking drunk, drove his mom's car through a shop window and punched a cop. Not his finest moment.

He knows that it's mostly pent up anger and misplaced rage. He's not sure who he blames more; his dad for walking out, Mrs Lawson for what she did, his Ma for not noticing or himself for letting it happen. Sure, he was ten, but then he was eleven, and twelve and then thirteen and he still didn't do anything. He was scrawny up until his first growth spurt at twelve, and then he started to gain some height and then he started to get some meat on his frame. And then he was 'too old' and figured out that Mrs Lawson was a big ol' perv. But by that point the precedence was already set and Puck quickly started falling from girl to girl, irrespective of age. The glee girls weren't really any different.

He'd worked through most of the Cheerio's before they'd even got half way through Freshman year; after he'd nailed Santana it was a cake walk. Sophomore year he got Quinn and that marked every single one of the Cheerio's at that time being a notch on his bedpost, and he later solidified that with Mercedes. By Junior year, he'd gotten through the Senior's above him (he'd done at least half of them the year before when they were Juniors) gotten the skirts off half the Sophomores who had been Freshman and nailed two of the teachers, in school, during the day, in their classes. Sex was sex and he wasn't all that bothered with who it was with -although after Quinn, he made sure to suit up and have condoms at hand.

He's never really _felt_ anything though. It's never been that special moment, never been all that life altering, never been something to sit and talk about. It's just sex. He'd thought Quinn was different -but in actual fact it was probably just because she was Finn's and he still fucked her. And Rachel felt different _afterwards_, but that might've been because they were friends first or something. He doesn't usually do that either.

So Mercedes has a point. There are things about himself that he doesn't like. But they aren't exactly things he can change. He can't change that he wasn't good enough for his dad to stick around. He can't change that he wasn't man enough to stop Mrs Lawson when he knew it wasn't right. He can't change that he wasn't strong enough to tell his Ma when it kept happening. He can't change that he was broken enough to just keep on doing it after he grew too much for her. He can't change that he doesn't really think too highly of himself to really _want_to stop being what everyone already thinks. He's pretty much just a whore anyway.

#

Rachel seems pretty serious about the whole 'don't care what Finn thinks' through school. She meets him in the car park, even though she'd usually be in the library or one of the rehearsal rooms until it was time to head to class. He's ignoring that grateful feeling that she's trying this out. So, he walks her to class, attends his own and meets her between classes. It's good, because it means the rest of the gleeks leave him be -he's figured that their leaving his bombshell to Rachel for dealing with, which he prefers. Santana barely looks at him, and it's not because she's disgusted or worried or any of the normal human being reactions, she's pissed at him for telling everyone that she wasn't his first. He finds it hard to care.

He honest to God doesn't notice _when _Rachel takes his hand, all he knows is that he walks into the choir room for glee with her, talking about Sarah's attempt to make a SpongeBob Square Pants for her art project, and he's holding her hand and everyone fucking stares. She's a second away from taking it back when he just tightens his grip because he hates when these cunts make her feel like she's doing something wrong. He sits at the front beside her, still holding her hand until they take their seats and then he just leans his arm over the back of her chair.

So he figures that he's being hounded with their 'concern' over his potentially traumatic and issue causing childhood while she's being judged over their sexual relationship -one time probably marks a relationship to them- over the winter break. Which is bullshit, because she wasn't dating Finn, he isn't dating anyone and they are both capable of making their own decisions. But Finn's giving her the cold shoulder and him the evil eye, Santana's being her usual little bitch self, Quinn's got her nose so high in the air that Puck could see up to her fucking skull and Mercedes is just shifting uncomfortably -he sort of wonders what kind of information Hummel is waiting for in his fancy prep school.

He figures it's all a bunch of bullshit and just sticks close to Rachel -because she hasn't asked questions he doesn't want to answer and she hasn't pressed for anything and she's sort of chill now anyway. Besides, it's Finn's own stupid fault. Finn broke up with Rachel over one stupid kiss, while he'd been lying for the entirety of their relationship about his sexual experience and Puck knows better than anyone that you don't lie about that shit, full disclosure is important for health reasons, and he's never once lied about the fact that yes, he's been around the block more than a few times and yes, there have been a few times where he might've been kicking himself for being stupid, but the biggest thing he's ever had to deal with from his lack of protection has been a baby, never an STD (minor as it was, he knows Santana can't say the same). So yeah, he and Rachel had sex, and apparently that's not cool because Rachel is supposed to spend all her time moping over Finn being a dick and dumping her.

Schue gave Puck a look when he came in, then one to Finn before sighing and moving on with the day and giving them their assignment. Duets, again. Or really it was just shared assignments to find a good mix of voices. Puck gave Rachel's shoulder a prod with his finger and nodded his head. She smiled and nodded back and that was that -he didn't need to deal with anyone else and Finn could go fuck himself.

What Puck has come to accept, not like, vocally, but at least mentally, is that Rachel Berry is pretty cool. And he does more than 'kinda like her' if he's honest. She's possibly the only person who has seen anything worthwhile in him, and back in Sophomore year, when they 'dated' for six days, it was probably the best he'd felt about himself for a long time. She didn't make him feel stupid when she had to explain all her big words, and yeah, sometimes she gave him a headache with all her talking and her pure intensity, but there was something about all that stuff about her that just made her stand out in such a good way. Her constant talking kind of grew on him, and at least she was talking about something he could understand, relate to sometimes. She wasn't harping on about cheerleading or popularity or how much her Daddy was an asshole. She was talking about her future and sometimes she made sense in this whole 'apply yourself' bullshit, and yeah, he could probably do without the spoilers for her Tony speeches and yeah, he knew way too much about musicals and Broadway to be fully comfortable but she wasn't _that bad_. And she was fucking hot, okay, crazy sure, but hot.

"You really want to work on the glee project with me?" They totally need to work on her self-esteem before she makes it to Broadway.

"Hell yeah, you're like the best at this stuff, right? So of course, I'm gonna wanna work with the best." Rachel always gets this super happy but trying to hide it way when he compliments her like that, and it's cool, really, because she tries not to let it show and he just lets her pretend that he doesn't see it. She's told him about all that stuff; Quinn leading the army of comments on her MySpace page, Santana and the others drawing pictures in the bathroom of her, Finn never sticking up for her. He's not sure what it is, but something about Rachel Berry makes him wonder if the rest of the world is slightly deluded. Yeah; he slushied the hell out of her -he's probably the reason her dry cleaning bill has been sky high since the start of high school- but it was never about making _her _feel like shit. He didn't even realise how fucking shit that felt until it happened to him.

He'd tried to wreck the slushy machine no fewer than five times since then. Idiots kept fixing it.

"So, would you like to get started on this tonight?" So he's invited over to her house that night, its tortilla night at the Berry's place, and Puck sort of digs their family nights. Daddy Berry is all about college and stuff, he's already talking to Rachel about early applications and stuff, and he's sort of encouraging Puck to stretch himself out more, to apply more work to his classes, he thinks that Puck could do well enough if he knuckled down and worked, enough that he could maybe hope for a scholarship. Dad Berry is a little more relaxed, Dad Berry cracks jokes about important shit that make Puck choke on his water, Dad Berry has innuendo coming out the wazoo that makes Rachel turn red and Puck can't help but offer out his fist for a bump that makes Dad Berry smug about being the 'cool' dad. In all honesty, Rachel's parents are both epic. He tells her this.

"You think so?" He doesn't really focus on the 'two dads' part of it all, because he's got _a_ mom, so really the standard nuclear family shit is all kinds of messed up. And those two guys adore her, while her mother wanted a baby, _his_ baby. And maybe it's all messed up and shit, but whatever. The fact that they care, take an interest, even just in her friends, it's pretty cool. He loves his Ma to death, but she's not exactly the most observant woman in the world and he's not exactly talkative.

But Rachel's Dad's never met Jesse and Finn was always really awkward around them -he gets the feeling that Finn didn't know how to act with them and they never really accepted that he was good enough for their girl. Puck doesn't have that problem, because they aren't dating, they're friends. And Puck has broken two of Jacob ben Israel's fingers in the past because he's a disgusting little perv that keeps trying to cop a feel of Rachel. Daddy Berry apparently approves of violence when it is in defence of Rachel's well-being.

So they looked through her music sheets, messed around on YouTube and generally laughed at some of the 'covers' performed by people on there. It means they spend most of the night doing nothing that will get them anywhere near a completed assignment for the end of the week. They do at least listen to a whole lot of music before Puck is reminded that it's a school night and walked to the door.

#

He's twenty minutes past his curfew when he gets in, his Ma gives him one look, he shrugs and answers, "Over at Rachel's. Glee stuff." and that's all he needs. Rachel is this get out of jail free card with his Ma, and that's way cool and shit. He snags some of the left over dinner, kisses his mom's cheek and heads upstairs just as a text from Rachel comes through.

_Berry: I had an idea. It's sort of not my style or yours, but it's good. You'd be backing though?_

Nowadays, and this is super weird sometimes, Rachel is a little more observant about how often she 'hogs' the spotlight. Puck's not all that bothered with it, because she fucking blows him away with the emotion and depth she can put into music, and Puck sort of likes just playing for her to listen to her singing.

_Puck: sounds fine. whats the song? i'll look it up._

_Berry: I sent a link to your facebook. Thank you Noah._

So he looks it up, follows the links; she sends him three, one to the original song, one to the acoustic of the song which he presumes she wants to do and a link to the sheet music. She must've had an idea to do this while he was at her house but just not mentioned it. She's right, it's not really their style, either of them, but he remembers when she sang the Paramore song and when she did the All-American Rejects one, and he totally put that on his iPod after she sang it for that reason alone. So he's pretty sure they can make this work, and he really doesn't mind just being her back up for this, because it's totally obvious what she's trying to say right now.

_Puck: i'm so in babe. you'll be awesome._

Honestly, it surprised him. The subject matter was pretty strong, and yeah, Rachel and Finn swung from dating to friends and back so often it was scary. But she was usually singing about how they were meant for each other and all that, and Puck was sure she had, at one point maybe, genuinely believed that Finn was her soul mate. Puck wasn't so sure about 'soul mates' or the concept of one person for everyone, because in a planet with billions, that was a depressing thought. But Rachel had all these dreams and whatever and that was cool for her. He just never expected her to give up on Finn being her one and only until well into college when she met other guys just as dorky but less of a douchebag (yeah, he was Finn's best friend, former, which meant he knew all about Finn's inability to filter his damn mouth).

But he'll print out the chords for the song and he'll learn whatever section they divide it up for him, they can work on the arrangement tomorrow and then nail it down and this is what he loves about Rachel and glee. You can spend several hours hanging out with her and then, in the space of five minutes, she'll have found the answer to the assignment and all that's left is learning the damn thing.

She is probably the best partner for glee that there is.

#

Until she starts getting nosy.

Somewhere between playing through the song to let her hear how it sounded when he played it, and her scribbling away on the sheets for their arrangements, he ends up with a lapful of Berry and her tongue in his mouth. This is not the worst way to spend a Tuesday afternoon. Rachel seems to like being on top, not a problem, she also seems to like pulling at his hair, also not a problem, and there's this little roll that her hips do which causes a problem, but isn't really one. Puck really doesn't have any issue with making out with her for no reason -he figured out pretty early on that music gets her hot for it and even she doesn't know that's what it is- and he has even less issues with just holding his hands to her butt to keep her exactly where she is while she nips at his lip in that way that drives him crazy and moans against his mouth.

They break for breath though, and Rachel's fingers slide through the hair of his mohawk and he winds his arms around her waist while she does. But then she starts with _those_ questions. "Noah," the tone pretty much tells him that she's not about to ask him if he thinks he'd be better taking over for the first verse or if they should go with changing the 'girl' to 'boy' (and he thinks they should just leave it as a changed word, let her sing the song and he'll just chime in on the chorus, just so you know), "did you ever report her?" It doesn't take a genius to figure out what she means, and that is just as well, because he's never claimed to be that smart.

Whatever it is about her, if it's because she's planted over his thighs with her legs hugging his hips, or because her fingers are soothing through his hair in a calming motion, or just because it's her, and she knows that he's got curly hair when it grows out, or knows that he cried when Sarah was born because his Dad never came back for it, or because she can share Yiddish jokes with him from when they were nine and his Nana Connie taught them how to swear without being caught. He just can't ignore her anymore.

"No." He never told his Ma, he never told anyone. He just kept it to himself, every time it happened, even if he scrubbed himself raw in the shower after the first few times. "Friday was the first time I mentioned it. Ever." He'd _tried _to tell people before. Tried to mention to his Ma why he didn't want to go over, tried to explain to Mrs Huckle in school why he flinched if she touched him, tried to convince his Ma that letting him cut his hair was a good idea. But he'd never been able to just come out with the words.

"Why then?"

"I don't know," he really doesn't. He'd never really imagined saying anything, and maybe if he did it should've been in a therapist's office or something. Not in Hummel's basement with all the glee kids staring at him. "San was just pissing me the fuck off. Y'know? I don't get why she makes everything a competition with you when she's constantly going on about how you're not as good as her anyway." Rachel frowns at him and he shakes his head, "Its bullshit, c'mon, you're way better than her, okay?" Rachel doesn't cut people down to see them break, yeah, she can be cutting with her remarks, but she doesn't _mean_ it the way Santana does. And she told him, before the whole Run Joey Run shit, she didn't mean to be that way, just like he didn't always mean douse stupid kids in fire extinguisher gas. "I guess I didn't want her thinking that she had that over you too. Cause, y'know, you told the truth and stuff." He shrugs a shoulder, leaning up slightly to brush her lips carefully.

"Where is she now? This woman?" For the longest time, Mrs Lawson still came around to the house, even after Puck had hit fourteen and shaved in the mohawk despite what his Ma had said. She still came around and sat on the sofa with Sarah, talking about the women at Temple and gossiping about the latest scandal and asking about his Ma's work and life and the kids. She'd sit there and pretend that she was just another woman, that she wasn't the reason that Puck was so angry and lost and confused and had started 'cleaning pools' for most of the women at Temple who looked at him in that way.

"Dead." It was like his Dad walking out all over again. Listening to his mother cry over it, not feeling a single thing himself, wanting to scream at her for being so sad, for wasting her tears, for caring at all about someone like _that_. His Dad didn't care enough to stay with them and Mrs Lawson was a fucking creep. But his Ma cried anyway. "She had some stupid car accident or something. I was fifteen. We went to her funeral and everyone was crying and all I could think was good. Just standing there at the grave and being glad she was dead. That I wouldn't need to see her anymore and feel sick to my stomach, that Ma wouldn't invite her over or send me to cut her stupid grass." He'd lasted nine days before he broke the mirror in his room and broke down, just sobbing over the whole thing because she'd never pay for the shit she did to him, or anyone before him, or anyone after him. His Ma thought it was because he finally understood death and she'd hugged him and rocked him on the floor, not even caring that he'd just broke one of the mirrors all over the place.

"Noah," Rachel's arms wrap around his shoulders, pulling him into a hug that is far more comforting than anything his mother ever gave him. Because Rachel knows what the fuck he's upset about. "I'm so sorry." He's not a hugging guy though, he's not good with crying women or hugging it out or being overly 'touchy feely' really. He never really has been. It all comes back to Rachel though; she does this thing that makes him act completely different than he normally would. Maybe it's not what she does and just something about her. But she was the only girl in school that actually used the term 'girlfriend' in relation to him, and she walked around with her arm through his and that was completely different. She made him actually study for tests and hand in completed homework, even when he didn't pay attention in class. So she hugged him, and he let her, sometimes going as far as to hug her back, like right then. She was onto something, really. She was 'special'.

"Have you, I mean, have you considered that perhaps you need to talk about this with someone? Your self-destructive tendencies all seem to stem from an inherent disassociation with sex and the female population of the town. Perhaps in order to fully accept and move on from your experience, talking would help?" He caught about half of that, but the general idea, he gets.

"No, Rach," she pulls back a little, her hands on his shoulders, thumbs stroking his neck while his hands hold to her hips, not really wanting her to pull away much further. "I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to analyse why I do the shit I do and be told that I'm fucked up because of her. I just don't." Because this was what he did and who he was and yeah, it wasn't ideal but he couldn't change that any more than she could change wanting Broadway. "I know that I've got some screwed up issues, and they aren't just about her. But _talking _about them, it isn't going to make them go away."

"But, you jump from one bed to the next, Noah, and that isn't right. You're worth more than that, you shouldn't have to whore," and she spits the word like it tastes bad, "around with all these women because it's attached to your feelings of self-worth." He might need a therapist -for the Dad thing, for the child abuse thing, for the abandonment thing, for the Beth thing. Sure. But sometimes they need to pick between having water for the week or heating, so he's not exactly sure where they'd find the money to fix his messed up head for a hundred dollars an hour.

"Rachel, that's just how long anyone wants me for," and he's getting dangerously close to telling her far too much. He's never really had a friend, best or otherwise, who he could really share these things with. Finn was about as emotionally stunted as he was himself, so that was always out. When things got to close to being deep Finn bailed on the conversation, even if it carried on. He'd have this blank look on his face that just told you he wasn't listening and that was that. Santana didn't care, she was probably just like all the other girls, except she didn't mind repeat offences. She used him like everyone else and seemed to think she had claim on him for that reason. Those were the two people, through his life, he'd really considered 'friends'. And they didn't care enough to listen, so why would anyone else?

"No, it's not." He sighs and she sighs and it's just this heavy thickness in the room and he wishes they could go back to making out. He knows how to do that, how to work with that, he's pretty well versed in it, right. "You're smart, even when you try not to be. You're smart and you're athletic and talented and you are worth more than one night in someone's bed." One night -or day- in someone's bed is occasionally the only point to the day. "Noah," there's that tone again, "you can talk to me. I'm not qualified, and I don't always have the answers, but you can talk to me." It's more of an offer of friendship and trust than he's ever had from anyone before. She even seals it with a light kiss to his lips.

This girl already knows too much.

#

They work on the song, they make out a few times because realistically it's just too much to expect her not to get hot for the music and he never says no to a good make out -he's not sure if he could say no to Rachel Berry at all. She doesn't bring up the whole issue again that week. Although Mercedes looks like she's really to come over and beat the answers out of him one day when he's on a really short fuse because Sarah was a total nightmare that morning and his Ma was on the early shift so it was all up to him to make sure the brat actually got to school. He'd been taking it out on everyone except Rachel -which just seemed to piss Finn off even more and that was all kinds of fun.

But they all leave well enough alone, because Rachel sends them glares when someone makes a passive-aggressive comment (Quinn), or when someone flat out taunts (Santana), or when the concern starts to get sickening (Mercedes), Rachel just deflects it all. They do their performances on Thursday and Friday; Mercedes and Santana have teamed up again and it's pretty good, Sam and Quinn do something tragically lovey but not their usual hippy crap, Mike and Finn do something with Tina to make it a trio and they only fall down over Finn's dancing, because Mike doesn't sound as bad as usual. On Friday, Britt and Artie do a Black Eyed Peas thing that really rocks because Britt just lets herself loose and nearly kicks off Mike's head from where he's sitting. Lauren -for whatever reason- opted out of everything and Schue lets it go (because he's scared of her) so it's just him and Rachel left.

He only feels marginally bad that she did all of the work and he just learned the music, but when caught up in Rachel Berry's music tail spin, it's pretty hard not to just do what you're told. They don't use the piano, or any of the other backing instruments, so it's just him at the front on a stool with his guitar and her beside him. "_You were everything I wanted, you were everything a boy could be. Then you left me broken-hearted, now you don't mean a thing to me._" He doesn't miss the way she watches Finn on occasion, not all the way through, just from time to time. They sing the chorus together, although he has distinctly less impact that she does and he's just watching the chords while she lets her singing be her emotional release. "_Thought that everything was perfect, isn't that how it's supposed to be? Thought you thought that I was worth it,_" Finn shifts in his seat, and the whole club is glancing between him and Rachel while Puck strums away. And maybe she is over him, maybe she is getting it out there, maybe she's realised that Finn Hudson will never really be big enough to take Rachel Berry; he doesn't have it in him to go against everything, he doesn't know how to handle not being loved by everyone, he can't take it when she gets all passionate and incensed about things, he doesn't like not being the Golden Boy. Maybe she _finally_ gets that. "_Now I think a little differently._"

He misses the look, but he sees her sort of glance his way. It makes him wonder, but not enough to look up from his guitar. He's too busy ignoring the way Finn is trying to kill him with the power of his glare alone -it's marginally better than a punch to the jaw, he's just saying. "_Hate is a strong word, but I really, really, really don't like you._" When they strum out the last chords, he finally looks up and, yep, Finn is glaring daggers at him, Santana is in some stupid huff and the rest of them are just gaping. Fucking catching flies or what? She just makes it worse when she leans over and kisses his cheek. Weird thing, he never thought he'd be capable of blushing anymore, he'd done enough crap to have burned that out when he was nine or something, but he feels his cheeks heating up even as Schue congratulates them on a really good assignment and starts going on about announcing a vote for winners when Rachel cuts him off.

"Mr Schue, voting seems so redundant," there are groans from everyone, but she brushes them off, "I think it's pretty obvious that Artie and Brittany did the most amazing routine. Anything else would simply turn into a popularity," or unpopularity, "contest." So Artie and Brittany win, and that gives Britt this super huge grin for the rest of the day, even after she points out that they would've won the duet competition they had when Puck was in juvie if Artie hadn't pulled them out, except apparently that reminds them both of when they weren't together and Artie just wheels her out of the room in his lap to celebrate.

"Are you and Puck dating?" Finn evidently tries to keep his voice low. Puck's packing up his guitar while Rachel pulls together all the sheets for the music and Finn sort of hems her in by the piano. Puck only slows his packing enough to make it believable, so that it's not entirely obvious he's lingering. It's just the three of them anyway.

"No, Finn, Noah and I are not dating, we are friends." She's stern in her tone, and even though he can't see her, he knows for a fact that she's got that 'we need to work hard/your lack of dedication annoys me/why are you being so difficult' face on. Yeah, he's categorised them. "Not that it is any of your business, as you have made it clear that you want nothing to do with me." Apparently, he's been giving her the brush off for longer than just Friday night.

"Puck isn't friends with girls, Rachel. He just sleeps with them. He's just trying to sleep with you." Puck's tempted to interject that he's done that, he doesn't need to be her friend just to get into her skirts. But Rachel slaps the sheet music down on the piano and he hears the stamp of her foot and now, Rachel isn't trying to be quiet.

"For your information there have been several times where Noah could've slept with me and didn't," there were? Where the fuck was he when these happened? Oh, right, the making out, she classed that as 'almost' or something. "Furthermore, he's already had sexual intercourse with me, it wouldn't take much to repeat. And it is nothing to do with you what Noah and I do in our own time, because you have no claim over either of us. That ridiculous promise you made with Noah is completely null and void because Noah is _my _friend, not yours."

He's just snapped the case of his guitar closed when she grabs his wrist and -for a girl her size she's surprisingly strong- yanks him out of the choir room and through the halls. "Um, Rach," he has no problem with following her, really, but "my back pack and car keys are still in the choir room." She lets him go and he makes her stand at the lockers they've stopped at, his guitar case hugged to her chest as he goes back and gets his stuff. Finn's still standing there and Puck doesn't say a word, just getting his back pack, grabbing Rachel's sheet music and picking up her jacket before heading back to find her.

Finn and Rachel, he's willing to bet, are officially done.

#

There's something about Rachel's house; it's comfortable, warm, just homey. He likes it. She's still pretty clearly upset about the choir room, but she at least knows that he heard everything that was said. Finn probably thinks he was being quiet.

So they set up the Rock Band he got her at Hanukkah, get out the virgin strawberry daiquiri and make themselves at home in the Berry's Oscar room -most people call it a den or a basement entertainment room, the Berry's make it an Oscar room for her. He doesn't really care. Music is Rachel's outlet so she sings out the songs and he plays the guitar until she wants a drum number and he tries that and eventually they've exhausted all possible tracks and drank all the non-alcoholic cocktails she's got and they're both just sprawled on the lounger. It's one of those recliner things, fake leather, soft as fuck and he's totally comfy. She doesn't see the point in having her own when she can just curl up over his lap.

"You know, it's things like this that make Finn think we're dating." He doesn't mind so much, usually no one would think he was dating anyone, because it was just a hook-up unless it was Santana. But with Rachel, they hang out and do other shit, and she kissed his cheek and he didn't make an innuendo out of it. So yeah, they'd think dating. And Puck hasn't touched the whole 'could've slept together again' issue that his mind keeps slipping back to, at least not yet.

"Oh," she makes a move to climb up, but Puck just shakes his head and tightens an arm around her waist.

"No one said I minded."

"I just," her head rests on his shoulder, ass against his hip and her legs over his thighs, his arm is around her waist and his free hand just sits on her thigh, stroking softly in what is meant to be soothing, but could turn into something else easily. "I don't have to try, when it's us. I don't have to try so hard to not embarrass you." Puck raises the arm that's around her back, stroking over her head and, surprisingly for both of them, presses a kiss to her temple.

"He's an ass for making you think you weren't good enough." And really, Puck believes that. Rachel isn't like Quinn, or Santana, or Tina or the other girls. But Quinn isn't like Santana, or Tina, or Rachel, or the other girls. And from everyone that Puck's been with, he can't really say that any of them are like each other either. Sure, there are similarities, and sure Rachel sometimes feels like a little bit of work, but Quinn was a nightmare -even Puck knows that and he wasn't dating her at all- and Santana is insane, like literally psychotic, not just a bundle of crazy like Berry. So yeah; Rachel is different, but fuck so are all the others.

Rachel shifts, her legs moving until she's got her knees pressed into the recliner, one on either side of his hips, her hands on his shoulders and her butt on his thighs. It's not the first time he's hand her in his lap like this, but it doesn't ever get old. He still licks his lips, still runs his hands up those impressive legs to curve around her hips, still watches every slide of muscle in her body as she seats herself. "You like me, right?" He gives her a look, because, really, she's asking him _that_? "No, I mean it. It's not just, you _like _me, right? Like not just the way you're attracted to most girls? You appear to be sexually attracted to most girls based on at least one aspect of their appearance, enough that you can engage in sexual relations with them, but-"

"Yeah, I like you." He's probably liked her for a really long time but been far too busy being annoyed by her that he actually stopped to appreciate it. "Not just because you've got legs to forever or an ass that look amazing in those skirts, not just because you've got this awesomely tight little body from all the dancing or really plump, fucking bite-able lips. I like your stupid little rants about Broadway shows being turned into movies and how much they suck because there isn't the stage presences. I like the way you get all passionate about music, and how you fucking light up every time to sing something new. I like the big words and the rambling and how damn focused you are. I just like _you_, okay."

There had to just be something about this girl that totally made him just as crazy as she was. But Rachel's face just sort of broke into this hesitant smile and him doing that whole 'talk about things' bullshit sort of paid off. Her hands ran from his shoulders to his neck to the back of his head as she leaned forward and pulled him up before slanting her lips right over his. It wasn't a 'thanks for talking me out of my crazy' kiss, it was more 'I can't get enough of you and want to swallow your face' kind of kiss. And those kind of Rachel Berry kisses were pretty phenomenal. Rachel totally put her everything into anything she did, including sucking face.

She still did that shift with her hips, grinding down into him and bringing a moan from his chest that got lost in her mouth, just as his hands slid down her hips to cup her ass and pull her tighter to him. He was definitely getting a boner from this, but it wasn't surprising. Rachel sort of pushed all these buttons with just making out that got him pretty hot for it just like music got her hot for it. It was way different from just about everyone ever and he was not about to complain about anything like that. But he's pretty careful about where his hands go, because yeah, she said they could totally end up doing it again and that he had ample chance to get her back in the sack, but Rachel ran hot and cold just like every other girl and Puck wasn't pushing his luck when he had her in his lap, practically riding him.

It wasn't something he needed to worry about, not when Rachel pulled back for a breath and shifted to pull her shirt over her head, dropping it to the floor beside the chair and Puck didn't need further encouraging than that. His hands slid from her ass to her hips and up her waist, stroking up her ribs before cupping her breasts through the soft lace of her bra. Rachel arched into his hands, sighing as her hips pressed down against him. Leaning up, Puck's mouth pressed open mouthed kisses over the swell of her breasts, tongue slipping out to tease under the fabric of her bra while his hand slipped back to unfasten the clip and get the garment out of the way. She wasn't exactly well endowed, but God, Rachel was all kinds of responsive with just the right handful of tit and Puck loved the mewls she made when his teeth grazed her nipple, the way her body pressed forward into him and her nails dragged over the back of his neck. For a girl that just gave it up, she was a fucking hellcat.

He paid attention to both her breasts, fingers working one nipple while his mouth worked the other, because it drove her fucking wild, before she got frustrated enough to push him away and press him into the recliner, tugging at the bottom of his shirt to pull it off before climbing off his lap long enough to strip out of her skirt and tug at his jeans. They're naked in a matter of seconds, and he doesn't really expect her to push him back into the soft, fake leather and climb back into his lap, her mouth meeting his while his hands ran all over her smooth, hot skin. When they'd done this the last time, she'd been mostly hesitant, lying under him and just responding, and he'd gotten a rush out of that. She'd been vocal as hell though, let him know what she liked and what she wanted and how badly too. She'd screamed his name when he made her cum the first time and by the time she was on orgasm number three and he was fucking her she was close to losing her voice and just gasping out little noises.

This time, she's a little more in charge, and that, right there, totally hot. How she presses him back and straddles him, holding to his shoulders and biting at his lower lip when they kiss, how her thighs clench around his hips as she pushes her groin down against his hard on. He wants to finger her till she shakes apart just so he can hear her, so he can see the way she splinters with the pure pleasure. He wants to fuck her till she can't even speak, can't moan or scream or anything, just whimper and gasp and writhe with it. He wants to see her so totally lost on it that she doesn't even know who the fuck she is. He might want this girl more than he's wanted anything in his life.

When she twists back, her spine curving while she leans over the chair to grab his jeans and fish the condom out of his back pocket he doesn't even bother not running his hand up her chest, thumb flicking over her peaked nipple as his other hand holds to her hip and he presses up to the hot, wet space between her legs. She shudders against him, pulling herself upright with the square foil in hand as she rights herself, tearing off the side with her teeth and shifting to slide the latex over his length. She really is far less hesitant than her first time, the way her hand tightens around him while she strokes once then positions herself right over him. Puck steadies his hands on her hips, giving her the silent support as she slowly sinks down onto his cock; he has to grit his teeth at the clench of her tight muscles around him, hands tightening just slightly and Rachel's low, drawn out moan making his dick twitch inside her. Fuck, she's something else.

"Noah," he's pretty sure that the way she gasps his name is the best sound ever. Her nails drag over his chest, as he tips up his hips to help her find a rhythm, fingers finding the dip of her back to direct her a little better. Music clearly rules every aspect of Rachel's life, because even when he's groaning and pressing up to meet her, lifting his head to mouth at her breast while she whines and moans and pulls her fingers into his short strip of hair, he can _feel_ the beat that she's rocking her hips to, that rhythm she finds and the song in her head. She even clenches and tightens her muscles with the beat, sending him out of his mind crazy for it.

His hand rests on her hip, sliding down until this thumb presses between them, with ever shift of his hips curving her against him just right and his thumb stroking over her clit. Rachel's hips lose the controlled rhythm as her muscles coil tight and he nails scratch lines over his neck and Puck nearly whites out when she drags him over the edge with her. His name is like a litany of curses from her mouth, her name is like an unanswered prayer from his.

#

Puck has never actually woken up with a girl, or women. He's never spent the night, never had them spend the night and never done the awkward or cosy morning after routine. Mrs Lawson always sent him home after she was done, he'd go straight into the shower and then curl up in his bed. For the first year he usually shook until he fell asleep, exhausted. After that, he was mostly used to it and just lay there to stare at the wall and ignore everything. The day he met her _friends _he actually cried himself to sleep after scrubbing the skin off his stomach in the shower.

After that, it just became habit. The housewives never wanted him to stay anyway, beyond the hour he spent at their houses, it was never about 'sleeping' anyway. The girls he hooked up with, he'd leave them sleeping and go home, or to a bar that would serve him or to the seven-eleven until someone bought him a six pack and then he'd kill time in the park with some beers. Santana and he rarely even bothered to keep it to the bedroom. Brittany was sweet and probably would've cuddled into him and let him spend the night if it weren't for the fact that her mother and father were three doors along and Puck didn't want that morning after _ever_. Quinn had practically thrown him out, and that was fine, really, because the bitch was crazy anyway. Weirdest was probably Mercedes, because they'd had sex, he'd made her see stars and scream and then, about an hour after he'd had his mouth between her legs, they were sitting in her kitchen, with her family, eating dinner. Weirdest hook up yet.

Rachel had left him too. He hadn't even thought about it when he'd taken her back to his place, when they'd just ended up making out on his bed and then having sex. He'd sort of known from the tone of her conversation that it was where she wanted to go, the sex thing not his bed, and he'd barely thought twice about taking her to his place -his Ma was still at the mixer, Sarah was at a friend's house, it wasn't like there would be a problem. And after, when she'd snuggled into his chest, her back against him, he'd just wrapped an arm around her waist and fell asleep with her. If he stopped to think about it, really to think about it, she was the first girl he wouldn't mind waking up with and she'd left. That was probably why it hurt a little, right?

It puts him in a bit of a predicament. After they've calmed, after she's gone to the little kitchen area to get some water and he's taken care of the mess, she's pulled on _his _t-shirt and nothing else, he's in his boxers, they just end up back on the recliner -the other one this time, with the television playing re-runs of Friends and they both fall asleep.

He wakes up before her, her dark hair in his face and her cheek pressed over his heart. He's vaguely worried about the fact that there's a blanket thrown over them, which suggests that Mr and Mr Berry are home and are also acutely aware that Noah Puckerman has had sex with their daughter in their basement. He's still alive and has all his limbs so they must be going for the 'freak him out first' approach. It's working, just saying. And it's problematic because if he moves, he'll wake her up. He knows that she probably doesn't want to wake up with him still there, because it probably makes the whole thing more real or something. He knows that he's good for blowing off steam or whatever, but girls like Rachel aren't meant to be hit with their foray into the 'bad girl' side of things, she's supposed to jump into the shower and wash all evidence away and he's supposed to vanish like smoke to let her.

But she's warm against him, and so peaceful and quiet that he really doesn't want to wake her up. Besides, she's wearing his shirt, he's not going home without that because the questions would be endless. So he's stuck, where he is, with her laying over him. He sort of wishes he could stop worrying about her dads and her reaction to him still being there for long enough to just enjoy it.

Almost as if she can hear his internal freak out, she starts to stir awake. It's slow at first; her fingers twitch against his left pectoral, her cheek nuzzles over his chest, there's this exhale of breath against his skin that makes his gut clench in a not entirely horrible way. He gives in to the urge to run his hand through her hair, pulling it away from her face as she turns to peer up at him. "You're still here?"

It's not annoyance, she doesn't say it like he's the last person she wants to see right then. There's this relief in her tone, hope and something else that Puck isn't sure he knows anything about at all. There's just her blatantly open expression and her big hopeful brown eyes staring up at him, "Well, yeah, sorry. I didn't want to wake you." He's unsure enough of his welcome to throw in that apology, just in case. "You looked too cute," there's a small smirk curving up his lips, and really, it's only mildly awkward because he doesn't know where he stands with her.

When the smile breaks out on her face, he's pretty sure the awkwardness is done with. "I don't mind." He sort of hates having to harsh the mellow though.

"Pretty sure your dads' know we're down here though." He illustrated the point by pulling the blanket around them tighter, even as his hand slid down to cup her ass where it rested on his hip, stroking the warm, smooth skin. "Are they in the habit of using psychological warfare?" She doesn't freak out like he thought she might, doesn't jump up and try to right herself, isn't pushing him out of the backdoor with his clothes in his arms. None of that at all. She just blushes and hides her face against his throat.

"They think we're dating," does everyone think that? "They asked me after dinner on Monday, I didn't know what to tell them." Probably because they'd slept together, she didn't know how to categorise them.

"I uh, I wouldn't mind. Y'know. People thinking we were dating," he's not sure if it's because she's the first person to truly believe in him, or because she's the only girl that never made him feel like he wasn't really worth anything, or if it's just because she's Rachel Berry and the rules don't apply to her at all, but he's seriously considering everything that comes out of his mouth. "We could, y'know, go out for dinner or something." He thinks in order to be dating, they'd need an actual date. And he can do that, right. He's had to watch enough chick flicks to know how it goes. He could manage that.

"A date?" He just nods, because even when they were 'dating' last year, they never went out anywhere. He's pretty sure that now, with everything that has gone on, now they'd maybe do better than last time.

#

So her dads don't kill him, and his Ma gets over her stupid rant about calling if he was staying out all night when he cuts her off because he's gotta shower and change before he goes and picks up Rachel for their date -and he knows he's probably shot himself in the foot there because the only thing better than dating a nice Jewish girl is dating a nice Jewish girl who gets straight A's and has _vision_. Sometimes, he's a little worried his mother has already planned out his wedding to Rachel, even before they were friendly with each other. Like, when he was four.

She's just all for him going out on a date with Rachel that she even offers him fifty fucking bucks. He's got enough sense to turn that down, because his mother is Jewish, he doesn't need to give her things to guilt him about, she's got that down already. So he takes Rachel to Carlos', the only pasta place that is totally vegan friendly in Lima and she beams at him when she figures that he totally took her lifestyle choice into consideration -and vegan pizza is surprisingly okay to eat. And it's not even like it's awkward, because they find stuff to talk about; movies that don't involve singing, video games she actually likes, books he's actually read, the fact that she prefers watch European football instead of soccer, the fact that if he got a choice, he'd stick to baseball and not football. Dinner goes pretty smoothly, and then there's the movie -he lets her pick and it's not some fruity thing or musical, it's Disney. And that's cool because Tangled is not your average Disney movie and he's cool with that. So they come out laughing and he just drapes his arm over her shoulders because it's comfortable to just pull her in against his body.

He drives her home and kisses her goodnight on her doorstep and sees her father's upstairs trying not to be obvious and failing and Puck just grins as he drives home. He can do this dating shit, it's not that bad at all. Rachel didn't drive him nuts talking, he didn't want to beat his head against a wall at all and just getting to spend time with her, that's pretty awesome. His Ma is practically fawning when he gets home before he fobs her off to retreat upstairs, and he should warn Rachel, maybe, that his Ma is a little more invested in their relationship than is strictly healthy, but he's not even sure where they're going with this yet himself.

_Berry: I had a wonderful time tonight Noah. Thank you so much. Best date I've been on ever._

That right there, that whole 'best date' thing, pretty much stokes his ego for a month. Cause he knows that Finn took her out, and Jesse too, knows that they both did the whole dating thing before Rachel too. His first try and he nails it? Hell yeah he can do this dating crap easy.

_Puck: me too babe, had a blast. pick u up for school monday? ;)_

So he might be getting a little soft, and she might be doing weird things to his insides that he's never actually felt before. But it's _Rachel_, crazy little Rachel Berry with the school girl outfits and the battering ram voice and the legs that he can't help but picture around his waist. And she actually thinks he's worth more than a roll in the hay and a kick out the door, so fuck yeah, he's all on board that crazy train. If Sam can handle Quinn's, Puck can take Rachel's.

_Berry: I'd love to. 7:15? I'll see you then. xx_

#

Rachel Berry is the only girl who has ever called Noah Puckerman her boyfriend.

The first time she did it they were five. Travis Williams tried to kiss Rachel after pre-school one day, she'd pushed him away and told him he couldn't because she had a boyfriend. Noah was pretty much just there at the time so she'd grabbed his hand and told Travis that Noah was her boyfriend and he was the only one who got to kiss her. Noah walked her to her Daddy's car before she thanked him. He'd shrugged, kissed her cheek and gone home. She shared her cookies with him the rest of that week.

The second time, he'd been in the middle of his 'really angry at everything' phase. He was almost constantly walking around with bruises on his knuckles and a split lip or bruised eye. The mohawk had already appeared and he was labelled 'the bad kid'. He was too busy wondering what the hell was wrong with him to care. He'd seen her at the mall, she'd been getting hassled by three kids older than them, pushing and shoving and as cruel at _Puck_ could be, he'd never hit a girl. But Rachel had started crying and Puck had gone over and she'd sort of sniffed and took his hand. "Who the fuck is this punk?" He'd recognised the asshole as a Sophomore -that made him a sixteen year old picking on a thirteen year old Rachel. Yeah, he'd wanted to put his fist through the dickwads face. "This is _Puck_, my boyfriend." And yeah, he didn't mind so much, because he broke one of their jaws and another ones nose and the third had bailed. Puck's rep went up cause the story spread that he beat the shit out of three Sophomores, his Ma didn't care about the fighting because when she picked him up from the mall he was sitting on the curb with Rachel eating ice cream.

When they actually did the 'dating' thing last year, she didn't keep it to herself either. Everyone knew that he was currently attached to Rachel; from singing to her, walking through the halls with her, make outs at her house, driving her home, even taking the slushy for her. So he'd figured out that Rachel wasn't really concerned with who thought what about her relations, she did care what people thought about her, but beyond that things were pretty much just whatever. And she could make out like a champ, he actually listened when she said that she had superior breathing skills. Made sense, just saying.

So, this time around, he's not even sure if this is attempt number two or number four, but he doesn't really expect her to want to keep things on the down low. She's not that kind of girl. And he's right, because they walk into school on Monday morning -and he's actually early, and she's babbling away about The Vampire Diaries that was on last night and he's half paying attention because she's heavy invested in this show or something -he prefers True Blood, and he's actually read the books on that so he has more than just 'they show boobs' to back up his argument here- and they both just don't notice the stares or whatever. Brittany approaches him between second and third to ask him if he's okay and if he's dating Rachel and he just says yes to both. Brittany accepts that but he's pretty sure that Santana -who probably told Britt to come and ask him- won't be.

Rachel meets him at his locker before lunch, she doesn't say a word, just wraps her arms around his waist and buries her head against his chest. He bites back a laugh, because any other girl and he'd be pulling her off him and walking the other way. Rachel, well, he slams his locker shut and wraps both arms around her shoulders to pull her in, kissing the top of her head. "Rough day, babe?"

"I just got interrogated by Quinn, Mercedes and Kurt. The Spanish Inquisition does not measure up to this. They were brutal, and I mean _brutal_." Which means they probably fired numerous 'inappropriate' questions at her while insinuating, much like Finn, that he was only looking to get under her skirts and then ditch her while making her feel like some kind of cheap whore.

"Want me to slushy them? For old times' sake?" Since getting to know Rachel, maybe since she showed that she was kind of on his side with the whole Beth thing, even if she didn't do it in the best of manners, Puck's felt sort of protective towards her. He's been ready to break faces and slash tires and beat the ever loving snot out of stupid showboy singers for her, hell, he's squared with Santana for her, and he's completely tossed away any chance at regaining Finn's friendship, for her. It's pretty much a dead given that he's serious about this relationship thing with her.

"Noah, as lovely as the sentiment is, no, I don't think that will be necessary. Just," she looks up at him and he can't stop himself running his hand along the back of her hair (seriously, how the fuck does she get it so fucking soft? Quinn's always felt kind of sticky with moose or spray or whatever and Santana's is like hardened clay the way it stays in the fucking ponytail all the time) and pressing a kiss to her pouting lips.

"C'mon, let's get lunch and tell them to go screw themselves." From the megawatt smile, the one that used to be Finn's and Finn's alone, he's pretty sure he's doing well with this thing.

#

Glee is tense. Like, _really_ tense. After they'd pretty much answered questions by sitting together at lunch, and her practically checking him for tonsils before heading off to class afterwards, everyone seemed to accept that yes, they were together. Brittany seemed the most happy, she sort of curled into Artie's lap and gushed about 'Puckleberry' being her favourite. Puck has to admit, he doesn't hate the name. Finn's been sending glares at him all day and Quinn is apparently jumping on that 'huff' train with Santana who may or may not be planning to set him on fire -so he's going to avoid her. Kurt and Mercedes seem wary, although Sam and Mike and Artie are pretty supportive (Tina and Britt too, mostly by extension for Tina but Britt seems to be his and Rachel's biggest fan or something).

"Baby, let's just avoid windows in future, okay? I'm not sure if I could handle a Peeping Britt." Rachel thinks he's overreacting, but he's totally caught Britt staring at them since that kiss at lunch. And glee, well, Finn still sings lead with Rach, and Puck surprises even himself with how not jealous he is, because Finn's trying this whole 'meeting her eye' thing while Rachel just sings it like it's just a song, pouring her heart into it but never gazing that dopey lovey gaze at Finn and Puck is pretty sure this means she's as serious about this relationship thing with him as he is. It's pretty enlightening stuff to figure out while two former-Cheerio's are glaring at him like they could smite him from that alone.

"Our friends are divided on the nature of our relationship." Like he couldn't tell.

"What if we just didn't care?" So far, Puck has punched two jocks, narrowly avoided being sent to the Principals office for reprimand, locked Jewfro in the paint supply closet for trying to get a peek under Rachel's skirt and told four Cheerio's to fuck off cause he's in a relationship and not fucking around. He doesn't really care what anyone thinks. "Babe, we're two hot Jews, we're badass and we're good. Who the fuck cares what anyone thinks?" He's played the Jew card before, but this time it's about more than religious solidarity or whatever. It's about him and her and her dads not hating him and his Ma being over the moon that someone like Rachel would turn him around.

"What if we talked? Like, you and me. What if we shared confidences." He's not sure how this proves to other people that they're serious about each other, really he doesn't. But it's probably one of those chick things, really, and he hates when she tries to explain them.

"So," he sighs heavily, even as he opens the door to his truck for her. "Do we do this sharing thing at your place or mine?" He's getting to the stage where he really likes doing shit to get those smiles from her.

#

When Puck was fifteen, Rachel Berry kicked him in the shin and called him a jerk after Temple one night. He wasn't exactly sure what it was that caused it or why she'd decided to go against her own non-violence ways to kick him. He figured she was just like everyone else though and got over it without bothering to ask her what the fuck her damage was (a year later he found out that she'd taken exception to being called 'crazy' even though she sort of was but by that point he'd already thrown approximately two hundred dollars' worth of slushy at her and things were sort of 'rough' for them). It's not that he _blames_ Rachel or anything like that, no, it's his own ways and his own decisions and everything else that led him to where he got, but he will note that maybe things really went downhill the day Rachel Berry decided he was exactly what everyone said he was.

He still starts at the beginning, for her.

The first time Mrs Lawson touched him, he threw up when he got home, showered for an hour and lay in his bed shaking until he fell asleep. She'd told him that he was special and it was okay, it didn't feel okay. The next time he was at her house, he told her he didn't want to, because it felt wrong. She spun the story that he had to, he'd be taken away from his mom if he told anyone, Sarah would go to a foster home, it would leave Ruth all on her own, did Noah really want that? So he never said anything, and his Ma kept sending him over to help out her friend and Mrs Lawson just kept doing it. No one seemed to notice, and no one cared. Mrs Lawson went to their Temple, she was friends with the Rabbi and she helped with the bake sales. She'd sometimes sew the costumes for the JCC plays every summer.

He hid it for three years. It sucked the life out of him slowly but surely. When she was tired of him, when he was too old because puberty was approaching, she tossed him away. It set the bar for every person after her (realistically, his father started the trend, but he's not prepared to work through his issues relating to his dad and his issues relating to the sexual abuse he suffered as a child all in the one sitting and Rachel seems to accept that for now). The housewives weren't as bad. He went in there knowing what he was doing, he never felt sick -just like scum at first- and he got paid. Supposedly, every thirteen year old wanted money and sex, so surely he was no different? There were only a few of the wives and women in Lima who engaged in that kind of thing while he was still that young. By the time he was fifteen he was sleeping with the girls at school as well as the moms of the boys on the football team. Fifteen was more acceptable than sixteen or something, and Puck filled out pretty quick. He wasn't lanky and scrawny up until his sixteenth year when he suddenly hit a growth boom like Finn did. Noah had broad shoulders from the time he was fourteen, he packed on muscle and shed the baby fat when he was around that age too, moving stuff from the Temple, helping out his Ma's friends, working on old Mr Jacobo's decking in the summer. He wasn't obviously still a kid. So if they pretended they didn't know, it wasn't wrong.

The only time he ever didn't want anything to happen was with Mrs Sanderson, it was just before the whole glee mess with Finn, before he'd blatantly joined the club and started the ball rolling on babygate, maybe a few weeks before Ryerson got fired. Mrs Sanderson was a bit of a kinky woman, she wasn't like most of the other cougars because her husband knew she was sleeping with a sixteen year old. She was that much more different the day she invited him over, they got down to it and half way through her husband walked in. Usually the cougars were way careful about that shit; they made sure there was time, they listened intently for _any_ sign of their husbands coming back, and Puck always had the window escape route to fall back on. Mrs Sanderson, however, didn't seem to care and by the time Puck even realised what the hell was going on, Mr Sanderson was already there with an arm around Puck's throat.

To date, possibly the scariest shit ever -especially considering Mrs Sanderson just kept going until she came while Mr Sanderson ran off some pretty dirty shit in Puck's ear. It was the last time Puck even looked at Mrs Sanderson, and it made him a hell of a lot more aware of the chicks he was sleeping with. "Is every mother in this town a sexual deviant?" He sort of gets why Rachel thinks that, but they aren't all the same, there's a really big chunk of the women in town who look at Puck and just see another kid, not a booty call. He's never slept with any of the parents of the glee kids, Carole Hudson is like a second mom to him, Mrs Pierce genuinely thinks he's a television repair man because of something Brittany told her and Mrs Lopez is far too busy performing heart bypasses to even look at him.

But Puck knows how to pick them; emotionally unstable girls, possessive psycho girls, ice cold bitch girls, needy whiney girls, the abusive ones, the vindictive ones, the harmless ones. He's probably seen every side to the female psyche that there is.

"'m not really sure when it got to the point where sex was just escape or whatever, but it seemed like that was all anyone wanted from me. Guys like Finn, they wanted to date, guys like Artie and Kurt, they wanted to be friends with. Me? The just wanted an hour or two between the sheets or in the backseat or against the wall and then to just walk away. You get told you're worthless enough Rach and you don't question it." He knew that his Ma didn't mean it, most of the time. He knew that she loved him and cared and all that, but she really did believe that he'd wind up exactly like his Dad, he could tell, even when she took the words back, when she apologised, she still meant them. And from his experience with everyone else, a few hours or a repeat performance was all he was good for. In the end, whoring around just came naturally really. "Saturday, that was the first time I actually _slept _with anyone."

Rachel wraps herself around his neck right there on her bedroom floor. "You are so much better than that, Noah, you are. I'm going to show you." He figures it's stupid to believe her, but he really wants to right then.

#

Rachel's idea of showing him is the most insane, chaotic, out of this world nuts thing he has ever seen and she is fucking fantastic.

She's at every football game, screaming her little lungs out, they don't even bother with the after game parties because Rachel has a million things she wants to fit into their time together and apparently that means starting right now, even if she isn't intending on letting them end any time soon. They drive out of state on a weekend to go to a fun fare in Indianapolis because she's never been to one, they do a week long college road trip in the spring because she wants him to see what he could be doing if he applies himself, they study together, he helps her write songs that aren't about hair accessories, she forces him to catch up on three years of missed maths and he drags her out every Friday night to do something _fun_.

They outlasted everyone's expectations to be broken up before Regionals, and with Prom right around the corner it was pretty evident that they were far more compatible than the newly reunited Finn and Quinn. Rachel didn't want to make a big deal out of prom, they'd agreed to double with Mercedes and Sam, since Kurt and Blaine were heading to Breadsticks with Finn and Quinn anyway.

"I really want to sing this, but I'm not sure if it's suitable."

"Babe, everyone has to slow dance, right? You can sing Jar of Hearts, seriously, it's awesome and you rock it. Okay?" She's mid-way through explaining the Adele song she likes that she wants to know if it can be done a capella, he's not entirely following and he knows that the band aren't until there's this annoying voice from the far end of the auditorium, chiming in with his obnoxiousness.

Puck's never really gotten over this insane urge to plant his fist in St Douchebag's face. He didn't get the chance last year after Regionals, because Quinn was giving birth for Christ sake. He belts out the first two lines of Adele's 'Rolling in the Deep' and Puck raises his eyebrow while Rachel twists around to stare, mouth open. And Puck knows that Rachel _loves _that song, he let her burn it onto disc with most of Adele's other songs mixed up between Bruno Mars songs and play them over and over in his truck, because she liked singing along in the morning. Jesse stands there to wait for her to chime in, Puck's kind of glad she doesn't.

"What are you doing here?" Jesse saunters down, glancing over at Puck before looking back to Rachel and she glances over.

"I'll leave you two to talk." He really doesn't want to, he wants to be the jealous, possessive boyfriend, he wants to stick close to her and punch him and make it pretty clear that Rachel doesn't need him in her life. But he trusts her to know what's best for her, even as she reaches a hand out to brush over his arm in thanks as he heads out of the auditorium. He'll probably go and run some laps, just to keep his head from getting too messed up.

Because he's been with Rachel for nearly four months. They've been pretty good the whole time. He helps her chill, she helps him stay focused, she doesn't make him feel worthless, he never makes her feel insecure. He's faithful, he's happy, he's completely and utterly in love with her and he knows it -she doesn't, not that he knows, but he knows it. He's pretty sure his Ma knows it too. But even with this four months; the dates and the sleepovers -because her dads are pretty chill so long as they are honest and careful and his Ma probably wouldn't mind another grandchild if it was Rachel's, but she doesn't say that out loud. But yeah, the dates and sleepovers and glee projects and hanging out, it's all pretty awesome and he _knows_ Rachel doesn't think he's a waste of space or whatever, but he's never really shaken that thinking that she's still too good for him.

And this time last year, Rachel was gaga for Jesse. He was the idiot that walked away from her, what if he figured that out now?

Puck didn't make it to the weight room, didn't make it to the locker room or the gym or anything. He just ended up in the choir room, poking away at the keys on the keyboard for however long his thoughts lasted. "Sup, White Boy," of all the people to forge a friendship with, Kurt and Mercedes were probably the last two on a very long list that he could've provided. But they were Rachel's best friends, so they were around a lot and Puck just sort of got used to it, especially while Kurt was still at Dalton, before he transferred back. "Where's Diva?"

"In the auditorium." He tries pretty hard to keep the bitterness out of his voice; that whole brattish, rejected, emo drama thing that he didn't go in for. "With Jesse St James." Mercedes plants herself down on the piano stool beside him, Puck shuffling a little to let her not perch on the corner. "He just waltzed in."

"And you left them together?"

"They needed to talk." And if St James came back to profess his love, well, whatever. Rachel deserved absolutely everything she wanted, and frankly, Puck figured that if she wanted Jesse then he wasn't going to stand in the way. If it was Finn he'd probably fight it because Finn and Rachel were just disaster and Finn wasn't good enough, not even close, he didn't even try to be. And maybe Jesse wasn't either, maybe no one was really good enough and Rachel was doomed to have to settle for someone less than perfect, but that was up to Rachel to discover, right.

"Okay, what the hell is going on in that thick skull of yours?" No one knew the full extent of everything he's shared with Rachel; Mercedes and Kurt know about the abuse, about the reason behind his apparent 'disassociation' from sex and emotion. They don't know the details, they don't know about his dad, they don't know about his struggle with giving up Beth and they don't really know about the connection it all has with his self-worth issues as Rachel calls them. But Mercedes is pretty smart, she can see shit like this, she tends to be pretty good at calling him on his bullshit.

"I just," he shrugs with a sigh, "it's good, right? Me and Rach, she's like, she's the first time it's ever felt like more. More than just sex, more than just a warm body or popularity or whatever. It's just more. But I guess," he's always been waiting for her to figure out he's not good enough. "She deserves better." He's not convinced he's not just a Lima loser, not convinced that whatever she thinks she sees can really be what he is, not convinced that it's just a matter of time before he screws up.

"My God, you're so damaged." Mercedes tone makes him laugh, hollow and self-depreciating.

"I know, it's tragic isn't it." His head falls to her shoulder and she just runs a hand over his mohawk, the same way Rachel does when he's feeling like a total waste of time -she calls it his cycle, like he's got PMS like her or some shit. They've sort of started having them at the same time, so she might not be too far off. "I'm fucking crazy about her, but I so don't deserve her."

#

Jesse is appointed their Show Choir Consultant and the first thing he does is rile up Finn. It's weird. Yeah, Finn's dancing needs a lot of work, but being called a 'constipated zombie' in so many words is a little bit more criticism than constructive. Jesse is all about competition among them, and Puck's not sure how turning them all into Santana is going to help at all, but Mr Schue seems to be going along with things and, fuck, whatever.

Puck doesn't bother with the whole 'solo audition' thing, it's weird enough that Mercedes, Kurt and Rachel are fighting for it with Santana, but throw anything else in there and he's pretty sure there will be blood on the walls by lunch. Rachel doesn't seem worried, but she's phenomenal anyway so why would she. She's also not talking about the whole 'talk' she had with Jesse before prom. Even with Kurt being named Queen and Karofsky taking King, prom went okay as far as Puck can think -Sam and Mercedes were pretty great company, he didn't get drunk or arrested and Rachel's dads were out of town for the weekend, so Puck and Rachel had an amazing weekend together -not putting on clothes for the whole weekend is officially his favourite past time with Rachel ever. Followed closely by waffles with Rachel without clothes on.

Puck doesn't know if it's been brushed under the carpet or if it just isn't worth mentioning, but he's not bringing it up. He is very much aware that he is avoiding the issue, but whatever, he's always been good at that. And Jesse just keeps cutting Finn down, which sometimes is a little amusing but most of the time is just pointless. It's one of those pointless times, in the middle of the afternoon and Jesse is just picking at everything Finn does and it just gets Finn frustrated and makes him mess up more and Jewish mother of.

"Dude, we get it." Puck can't help the outburst, and it's not just because Finn's losing his mind and Puck feels bad for him, it's not just because Finn keeps _almost _getting his hand on Rachel's ass for the routine, it's just that Jesse's smug as shit voice is starting to make Puck clench his fucking teeth so bad he's going to need reconstruction on his jaw at this point. "Finn can't dance, it's not some shocking revelation. But pointing it out a million times is not going to change it. Put a cork in your vagina and shut the hell up." He's getting more stares, and Christ, did these people think he'd had a personality transplant or something?

"As descriptive as Noah is, I happen to agree." Kurt's standing to Puck's right, arms crossed over his chest, hip cocked out and bored expression in place. "Drilling these two steps into Finn isn't going to help, he'll know exactly two steps and that isn't going to impress anyone." Kurt knows more about this whole thing that Puck does, he knows it. Because even though they're sort of friends in that whole 'I'm dating one of your best friends so we have to hang out from time to time' way, Kurt is also Finn's step brother, and that's territory of loyalty that Puck used to have.

"As wonderful as your input is, _Puck_, _Kurt_," yeah, Puck's pretty sure that he's heard people talk about shit with less distaste than Jesse puts into both their names, "but when both of you can hold claim to four National titles in a row, then maybe we'll talk about my methods."

"Oh, my God, who put your pussy in a sling? Jeez," Puck is so not dealing with this. "I will take feathers and a fucking sequined vest over this jackass, I swear to God." Kurt just nods beside him. "It's not our fault you flunked out of UCLA and had to come back here to live vicariously through us."

"Guys, come on, this isn't helping up rehearse." Schuester seems to have found his voice, but Puck's sort of surprised that Rachel or Quinn or Santana haven't put their two cents in. But Rachel's sort of hugging herself and looking at the floor and fucking Christ, when did he have to start doing everything?

"You know what's not helping? St Douchenozzle taking up all our rehearsal time by cutting Finnocence down to midget size. We're bordering on catastrophic right here, yeah, Finn's mediocre at best, but if it keeps up like this we'll have a three minute routine and have to spin plates for the rest of it." The fact that his vocabulary includes terms like 'catastrophic' and 'mediocre' are a testament to Rachel and her 'studying helps' plans.

"As touching as it is for you to stick up for your best friend,"

"Ex-best friend."

"Oh yeah, that's really what we should focus on here, Finnessa."

"Puck," Quinn has her 'this is my ice bitch tone and you will listen' voice on and Puck just rolls his eyes.

"Are you serious? Accessorize Ken has been chipping away at your boyfriends self-esteem all week and you're bitching at me for calling him girly names?" Apparently, Puck bashed his head somewhere.

"Wait, boyfriend?" Can anyone focus in this place? Jesse is staring at Rachel, who is staring at the floor, while everyone else shifts between Rachel, Jesse and Puck. "You're not dating Finn?" It's part accusation, part confusion, part surprise and Rachel just looks up and holy fucking hell.

He's really not sure if there is anything he's meant to say here, or if there is anything to say, and everyone seems to be waiting for it. Honestly, he could just fall back onto old habits and finally get to lay into St James, but he's not really feeling the rage, it's just this cold slice of _something _that may or may not be the steady realisation that he knew it would come to this one day. So he doesn't say anything, not to St James, not to Rachel, not to Schue. He just gives one nod of his head and walks out of the choir room before he actually does something he'll regret.

Rachel calls after him, noise sort of follows out of the choir room but he doesn't bother with it and Rachel clearly doesn't follow him beyond shouting his name, like it'll bring him back. The best place for him right now is nowhere near her, so he heads to the chemistry department, slips around the fire doors and up the emergency exit to the roof access.

The only people who actually come up here are Steve the janitor and stoner kids. Puck's not worried about either of them right then. He just needs the space to clear his head because even if he always knew it would come to this point, he wasn't really prepared to handle it. It was nothing new, not really. His Dad chose a chance at fame over him and his Ma and sister, his Ma regularly chose a bottle over him and his sister, Santana chose her reputation and money over him, Quinn chose Finn, and apparently, even after everything, so did Rachel.

It stings a lot more, Rachel claiming Finn as her boyfriend to Jesse, a lot more than Quinn lying about the parentage of Beth. He figures it's because he's in love with her. With Quinn it was just this weird infatuation, thinking maybe she'd be different and finding out the hard way that it wasn't the case. It sort of explained a lot though; like why Jesse was riding Finn so hard, if he was here to try and win Rachel back and Rachel insinuated Finn as her boyfriend, well, yeah. Puck can understand pointing out all Finn's flaws for Rachel to see if it would make her wake up and see what was right there in front of her. Really, he's not sure _why_Rachel felt the need to lie about who she was involved with. The most obvious thing being that she was ashamed, or just didn't correct Jesse's assumption, or, God he can't really come up with anything at all.

He didn't think he was like, a bad boyfriend or anything, not really. For it being his first time in a serious relationship, he figured he was doing pretty good at it. Maybe it was just beginners luck or something, maybe he just didn't notice when they started going wrong or when Rachel actually did realise that she was better than this and him and deserved more. It was stupid to think she wouldn't figure it out.

Unconcerned with things like time, Puck didn't notice how long he'd been there until it was dark, and cold, and he realised that all his stuff was still in the choir room, including his jacket. It was long after school hours though, he could see part of the car park from where he was sitting, there were a handful of cars waiting and for a blinding second he wondered who drove Rachel home.

"Planning on jumping?" The voice startled him enough to twist his head back to see, just to confirm, and yep, there was Quinn, standing a few feet back with her arms around her body.

"Not that pathetic yet, Q." Because no, he's not. He's sat up here for hours before and the ledge is pretty decent. Besides, there are three more awnings between the top and the ground, the most he'd do is break his damn leg.

"Everyone's looking for you."

"Congratulations, you win. What's your prize?"

"I get to talk to you."

"So that's torture me?" He's barely exchanged words with Quinn all year, since Beth. They just don't talk, they barely look at each other. He hates that she took away his chance to be a Dad, maybe later he'll get another chance, but he's always going to wonder about Beth, and if he could've done right by her. "Why don't you just forget you found me and go back to your star Quarterback?" Except he is a little curious, it's this masochistic tendency that he's figured he must have for putting himself through all this crap time and time again. Maybe he should jump, but it should definitely be from the roof of the auditorium, way higher.

"How about I sit here, and we can talk. It's been a while since we did that." The night Beth was born, it was the last time they'd been able to look at each other without it hurting. He had loved her, he knew that, she gave him a daughter, his beautiful little girl. But she took away any chance he had of being her Dad when she signed over her parental rights. Because he had to do what she wanted. Even if it wasn't what he wanted.

But she does, she just sits there with her arms wrapped around herself and he makes it five minutes before he's rolling his eyes because he's not that much of a jerk to make her catch a fucking cold or whatever. He swings his legs over the ledge, hands on her shoulders to push her inside and she doesn't even fight it. So they sit on the stairs of the fire exit instead of the roof and it's not just as cold. "There's nothing to talk about, okay. I knew it'd happen." He didn't know when it would be or who it would be for, but he always had this doubt in the back of his head that she'd figure everything out soon enough. "Shouldn't you be more worried about keeping Finn on a short leash?"

"He wants her back," no surprise there. Puck sighed, because seriously, why did Curly St Fairy have to show up just as Finn got his head on straight? "She let Jesse think she was dating Finn." Yeah, he got that part, thanks very much. "He's probably going to take that as a sign." A sign that she'll dump Puck and go running back to Finn, a sign that everything for the last four months has been _fun _but senior year is coming up and Rachel needs to look to her end game, and her end game has always been Finn, hasn't it. "I think I'll break it off with him before he can dump me." Because Quinn hates being the dumpee, always has to be the dumper. Whatever.

Puck can't actually figure out _what _he should do. The biggest thing is probably 'talk to Rachel', that should be like first on the list or whatever. Realistically it's probably going to be 'get drunk'. Because it's been a while and he is far too sober to deal with everything running through his head. It'd serve him right though, wouldn't it? Finn swooping in and claiming up Rachel, it'd just be payback for the whole Quinn and Beth thing and Puck deserved that right? So he should just shut the fuck up and let whatever happened happen. No more dragging Rachel down, no holding her back, inevitably he was going to screw everything up anyway, it would be better for her if she wasn't attached to him anyway.

"You're in love with her, aren't you?" If it's obvious to Quinn, why can't Rachel see it? Or maybe she can and it's not enough and-

"Do you have a ride home?" Quinn is probably the last person he'd talk about this stuff with, or second last, cause he wouldn't talk about it with Santana. Quinn seems to get the point as she stands up, mutters something about her mother and walks away. He honestly doesn't know why she'd expect him to talk to her, about this or anything else. Maybe he's being petty, but it's a big deal to him; the way she brushed everything aside, brushed him off, ignored the fact that Beth even existed. She just went back to her old ways and he was completely lost trying to figure out how to do that himself when he was always thinking about the little girl he gave up.

When he finally went back to the choir room for his stuff, everyone had left. Not like he expected them not to though. His phone flashed to inform him that he had six text messages and three missed calls. They were still persistent little shits.

_Mercy: Where'd u go? How the hell r u so good at this? Ur like massive. Stop hiding boy! Text me!_

_Rach*: Noah, we need to talk, please come back. I'm sorry. xx_

_Satan: Revenge sex? y/y?_

_Kurt: Most everyone has gone. You can come back, it's just me and 'Cedes._

_Finn: evry1 is lking 4 u. i ddnt mntn the roof. cll me l8r?_

_Rach*: Do you hate me? I'm sorry. I need to talk to you. Please Noah, I'm sorry._

The missed calls are his mother. Not surprising if he's honest, because he's fairly certain his mother mentioned something about milk that morning and she'd be calling to make sure he remembered. He hadn't, he'd need to call her back later. But first, just to make sure he's clear, he fires a text of 'No' to Santana and deletes her message from his phone.

"Hey." He turns around to see her sitting on the piano bench. He didn't even hear her come in. It looks like she's been crying, and Christ he hates when she cries, hates even more if he causes it and fuck, if St Shitface is the reason for this he's not holding back on knocking out pretty-boy's teeth. "I thought I'd wait, your mother called. She asked if you remembered you were to pick up a carton of milk. I told her I'd remind you." Which explains why he's only got three missed calls from her, not twenty three. "Noah,"

"Did you lie to him, or just let him think what he wanted?" He figures this is the major thing, that if Rachel actually said to Jesse that she was dating Finn and not Noah, then that would be it, there wouldn't be a coming back from it. He couldn't really stand to know that she was _that_ ashamed that she'd tell Jesse she was with Finn instead of him. But if Jesse was just stupid and Rachel didn't correct him, well, he didn't really know.

"I never said anything. When we talked, he told me he came back for me. I said I was with someone, that I was happy. And I am Noah, I really am. I don't know why I didn't just tell him it was you but," Rachel shakes her head, hair falling around her face before she sniffs and pushes it back. "I didn't know he thought I was with Finn until the start of the week." When Jesse started pointing out all Finn's short comings and riling the guy to the point of angry, verbal outbursts. Made sense. "Noah, I'm sorry, I should've just said something but," she stands up and moves towards him and he just doesn't move away, "I didn't want him interfering in us, I didn't want that stress to come between us. I know you don't like Jesse and I understand your motives for that, but I don't want you getting in trouble for reacting to something he said. It would kill me if you had to go back to juvenile detention, Noah." Her hands move to his hips, and he's far too into her to not lean in and wrap his arms around her shoulders.

"Babe, shit like this, we gotta talk about. You harp on at me about that sharing bullshit. You gotta trust me, there's nothing I'm gonna do to get sent back there." He's held off on beating the ever loving crap out of Karofsky plenty times, he's held back with Finn and his comments before. He's getting good grades and working through his community service without complaint, because he is not ever going back there. And St Dickhead isn't changing that. "But, thinking that you'd lied, that you'd told him you were with Finn?"

"I know, I know, Noah. I'm so sorry, but I'd never pick that, I'm your girl and I-"

"I love you." Not the perfect place to do it, not even the perfect time, but fuck, he's pretty sure she's holding back from it. "I'm completely and utterly nuts about you in that pathetic rom-com kind of way. And I don't care who the fuck knows it, because, Christ Rachel you might be it. That soul mate stuff you go on about, you might actually make me a believer because I can't think of anyone I wanna be with more than you." He knows Finn told her, told her that he loved her and that he'd never break up with her, but he's not making those promises. "I love your crazy and your obsessive and your loud. I love the way you run on for ages about musicals that I've never even seen and how you know all this useless information about Broadway stars that I don't care about. I love that you make me want to plug my ears when we get near big competitions and the way you think Stefan is just misunderstood and Damon is just a favourite child and how you keep making True Blood references to Kurt that just go way over his head. I can't think of anything about you that I don't like, but baby, I don't always think I'm good enough for you."

He doesn't do the feelings stuff. He doesn't do the talking about things or the declarations, but then, he never did relationships before her either. And he surprised himself with how comfortable that was. He can feel Rachel nuzzle into his chest, sighing and probably fighting the tears.

"I love you too, and you are enough, you're more than enough. You're everything."

If it's his own issues, or just pure karma, he's not sure if he can shake that feeling that they'll end one day because she realises he isn't. But right then, it's easiest to thread his hand in her hair at the back of her head and tip her head up for a quick kiss. They have things to talk about, sure, lots of things to talk about, and he hates talking as much as the next person, but it's probably better if they try. "C'mon, I need to get milk for my Ma, and I think we should do another share session in my room where you do the talking."

Rachel just laughs lightly, wrapping her arm around him while he holds her close and they head out to the now fully deserted car park. He can text Hummel and Mercy later, and when Rachel goes home he'll actually call Finn and find out what the man-child wants. But if it has absolutely anything to do with Rachel and realised feelings and wanting her back, he and Finn will be having words.

Until then he'll just plan really subtle ways to knock Jesse off his high horse and state the fact that he had better stay away from Puck's girl.


End file.
